Posted on March 25 2017
The road to mother hood has been a long and hard one my darling. We tried so hard to become parents. We spent a year trying to get pregnant with your sister. I had a few tests and next thing we knew we were pregnant! The joy we felt. It was wonderful to feel we were on the road to becoming the parents we knew we were inside. As you know a tricky birth and some complications meant our introduction to parenthood was a hard one. We had five wonderful days caring for and loving your sister Alice. She filled us with such joy, love and respect for life. It was also the most heart-breaking thing we’ve ever gone through.
We dug deep, we grew ‘stronger together’ and faced those early days the best we could. Our longing to become parents did not cease, in fact they were heightened and thanks to the universe and your beautiful spirit we were fortunate enough to become pregnant three months later. Our faith in each other, in life, in our future was now restored. Casper, you beautiful soul, gave us our future back
And, what a future it’s turned out to be! You are just 16 months old and the light of our lives. You are the most adventurous and fearless little person we know. We’ve just had our first family holiday together just the three of us. You continually remind me to seek joy from life. Your spirit is having fun with my inner child, having me jump on bouncy castles, morning dance parties in the kitchen and play football on the grass. Things I’ve not let myself do, probably ever!
My heart is healing daily and in fact over time it is getting easier to expand my love. My heart took a battering you see, I think I closed it a lot. I was afraid of being hurt. Honestly I still am. I get scared when you are sick, I’ve taken you to A&E in the middle of the night because you were too cold, I silently stop breathing when you fall over. Now most mothers probably do this, but I do believe the tragedy we have experienced has heightened this for me. I’m going to work on it though, I want to get it under control, I don’t want any more unnecessary trips to the hospital!!!
Early days were hard. I was truly able to picture what we didn’t experience with Alice. Up until then I was in the dark about the trials and joys of motherhood. The baby blues hit hard that first week. God it was so hard, those pesky emotions! And I suppose it was bringing back a lot of memories. I used my tapping technique to help me and within a week or two I was feeling a whole lot better. There were up days and some down but mainly up. The joy you brought me and still bring is incredible. I’m living the mama life I’ve wanted since I was a child.
But I’m not just mama. I’m a wife, I’m a daughter, I’m a sister, I’m a friend, I’m a working mum, I’m a spiritual person, I’m pushing myself into my fears, I’m helping others, I’m learning about myself every day.
I thank you from the very bottom of my heart for choosing us as parents. For entering our lives after such a trauma. For agreeing to be our second, the funny and carefree second child that you are. For teaching us how to be parents. For healing our hearts and for continuing to bring us such joy.
I hope I’m a good mother. I’m winging it really! I hope we give you the freedom to be who you are, and don’t feel you have to confirm to any expectations of you. I want to give you the opportunity for you to reach your potential, to find your purpose in life. Remind me of this in years to come baby boy!!!
I send you so much love and thank you from the bottom of my heart for just being you.
Thinking of all mothers today – mothers lost, mothers present, mothers with their babes and mothers without their babes. We are all mothers at heart, we are all connected, we are all love.